Blagojevich: “(bleep) them!”

No, sir. (bleep) you. You (bleep)ed up. Big time.

Before things get really nasty, do yourself and the denizens of Illinois a favor and resign–NOW, and retro-active to when you were led from your home this morning in handcuffs. I may be a liberal living in an Illinois-adjacent state, and for all intents and purposes you were more popular than the governor of my state–not the one just elected, the one who’s so unpopular he didn’t even bother running for re-election–but I can’t very well goof on former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens and give you a free pass on this.

Yeah, I know, “due process” and all of that. Fine. But we have this thing now, called the “Internet,” and I’ve already read the PDF with the littany of violations and evidence against you; you’re screwed. And speaking of Stevens, don’t try the “innocent until I’ve filed all my appeals and died peacefully of natural causes in my estate home” routine. That’s just insulting, to everyone.

It’s even more insulting than the quality of the courtroom sketch that accompanies every article on you. I mean, with the Art Institute of Chicago just a few miles down the road, this was the best artist your people could get into a Cook County courtroom? Was it “bring your child to work” day and only the kid showed up? Remember those colored pencil and oil pastels from the O.J. trial (the first one, I mean)? Those suckers are in the Louvre now. Your likeness resembles a Steve Brodner cartoon–no offense (to Steve Brodner, anyway).

The only bright spot to this is that none of the possible Democratic heirs to Obama’s vacant Senate seat played your version of Who Wants to Make Me a Millionaire? The best offer you got for the seat was, “sincere grattitude.” And if that pissed you off, well, the best offer you’re going to get now is, “seven with good behavior.”

That’s what bothers me most about this. Not that you’re going to jail, but that by the time you’re convicted and incarcerated, your predecessor, former Illinois Governor George Ryan will probably have his sentence commuted to time served by President-getting-lamer-by-the-day Bush.

That’s not fair to the American public. Look: it took this country over 230 years to elect an African-American as its president, but how often will it get the chance to see two governors, from the same state–back-to-back governors no less–in the same penetentiary, and sharing the same cell? There are a lot of great writers out there, and millions of bloggers, but you can’t make that shit up.

Cubs Suck in 3

Oh. Man. Wow. Hahaha-hahaha-ha-ha-ha… Heh. Geez. Oh… ha ha ha -oh mercy.  Wait, I’m going to have to come back to this one–once I stop laughing.

Okay, seriously. This is a team that would test even a mother’s love. Maybe they should change their name back to the Orphans. You know, the team’s original name taken from the orphanage that was torn down to build the field, which was actually built for the Chicago ChiFeds/Whales of the Federal League in 1914.  And in case you missed the dates, the small bears have won jack-diddly-squat in that time. OK, sure Wrigley Field (nee Weegham) is historic. So was Hitler’s toilet. Doesn’t mean you have to hang on to the damn thing. Time to develop those big-boy skills of letting go and moving on. I know, I know, it’s hard to build a new stadium in the city. But soon, you’ll have plenty of empty sky scrapers, formerly occupied by banks, that’ll be ripe for demolition and building a new stadium. And to the front office, do the honorable thing to your fans: stop adding half a billion in payroll to the roster. It just deludes fans into thinking that maybe this year you won’t go belly up before the final out’s recorded. That’s just cruel.

6th Day Conversation — NIV Version

And on the sixth day of his creation, the Archangel Gabriel approached the Lord and spoke to him, “Oh, mighty Lord, your creation is magnificent!” And God spake, “Thanks, Gabe; I’ve been working on it all week!” Gabriel replied lightly, “Ha-ha, good one, all mighty one. Seriously though, it’s tremendous! The heavens, the seas, mountains, waterfalls–even the penguins have a place to frolic about! Absolute genius!” And the Lord did reply to his high angel, “Again, thank you, Gabriel. You’re too kind.”

Gabriel, having something on his ethereal mind, spoke forth, “One thing though, if I may say so, my Lord,” and the Creator nodded assent to allow Gabriel to continue, “Well, your creation is a splendor to behold, truly, yet there seems to be this large… how do I say…  sort of bland area in the middle of what people will someday call ‘America.’”

And the Lord did reply, “Yes, I did that for contrast. Do you not see how that makes everything else I’ve created stand out even more so in splendor?” Gabriel nodded his assent in return but continued, “But my Lord, you’ve literally done nothing with it; there’s nothing worthwhile there at all!” The Lord, becoming slightly irritated, raised his powerful right hand and while rolling his almighty eyes replied to his angel, “Fuck it; it’s Kansas.”

Here endeth the lesson.